Drying out

Due to circumstances beyond my control I found myself travelling by train into work this morning. Thankfully I actually like travelling by train; until recently it was my regular mode of transport for many years. The journey may have taken twice as long compared to my car but somehow it was more… civilised. It might also have proven cheaper had I learnt to resist my early morning coffee (£1.75) and danish (£1.40ish) - the breakfast of kings. It was certainly safer than driving since concentrating first thing in the morning isn't one of my stronger points. So despite a heavy work load ahead, which truth be told I prefer, I enjoyed the journey in; I even managed a smile when I saw my train was running late – it was like old times.

I've come back from a weekend break in Center Parcs. It's hugely overpriced and the antithesis of thinking for yourself. However there were two aspects that appealed to me; it wasn't too far to drive and... I didn't have to think for myself. But I digress; I had a really good time and since I hadn't been looking forward to it at all it was a pleasant surprise. I'm still drying out from the endless time I spent in the pool with my six year old daughter, and I must be getting soft because when she told me she'd really enjoyed her holiday I couldn't stop myself from grinning.

Smiling after holiday and smiling on the way to work… now there’s a puzzle.

Nadia

If I can set my expectation at the appropriate level, or to be safe just a little lower, I always enjoy a film more. Of course the best experience you can have with any film is to come to it with no preconceptions at all. Such was the case the first time I saw Memento. Never having read a review everything about this film, even the premise and the way in which the story was told, was new. I have since seen several reviews of this film that have only confirmed a long held belief that there should be a special kind of hell reserved for some film reviewers.

You would think that setting expectations for life, that mundane thing that exists outside the world of film, would be easy in comparison. Somehow however I always end up disappointed.I can't pinpoint an exact moment where it all went wrong but I do believe the fault lies with Romanian gymnast Nadia Comaneci. When you're nine years old the simplest of things, such as a smile, can have the most unexpected impact. I didn't have the slightest interest in gymnastics but I was so captivated I made a point of watching Nadia just to catch a glimpse of that smile. Wow!

And from that point onwards it was all downhill.

Thursday is the new Friday

It's my last day of work this week. Tomorrow is my daughter's sixth birthday and I'm taking the day off. I've managed to avoid any large scale event and instead we will be visited by my in-laws during the day, when we'll walk to the local park, and then a meal with my own parents in the evening. This is about as much socialising as I can manage nowadays before suffering a meltdown - in my defence I do at least recognise this flaw in my character though whether I'll ever do anything about it is doubtful.

Despite the disappointments during this time - not the least of which is TWO World Cup failures - my daughter has never failed to put a smile on my face, which after that Ronaldhino fluke is no mean feat! God only knows what I'll do with myself when she leaves home or comes to realise what a boring old fart her father is, so I'm determined to make the most of it.

Worry about tomorrow when it happens.

Stealing from the poor

I've had to endure a proud tale of fraud more often than I'd like; the 'clever' thing to do is claim for much more than has been lost. One of the more famous stories was that of Ernest Saunders of Guinness, the only person in medical history to recover from Alzheimer's – presumably as a result of being let out of jail. In his instance it was insider dealing.

In both cases the excuse offered for these actions was that they were 'victimless crimes'. In both cases this was bollocks.

Insurance fraud raises the cost of insurance for everyone. Insider dealing results in pensions of a lower value than they otherwise would be. In both circumstances the people who are hurt the most aren't the rich or even the middle classes; they just stump up the extra cash. The people who really get burnt are the poor, those who can barely afford insurance as it is and end up getting less cover then they should, who contribute a bare minimum (if anything) into a pension fund that leaves them destitute when they reach old age.

So why do we tolerate it? I can think of only three possibilities:

• There are many more anarchists in this country determined to bring down the system than previously thought.

• People are stupid.

• People don't give a shit.

I've only ever met one true anarchist; he lived in London and somewhat annoyingly didn't conform to the stereotype. He was also one of the most polite people I've ever met - bear in mind this was London! So that leaves either "people are stupid" or "people don't give a shit"; which one gives you the most comfort?

The crime of Rosemary & Thyme

There is a scene in Invasion of The Body Snatchers where a dog is run over in the street but the inhabitants of the town, now alien, show no emotion. Watching Rosemary & Thyme is a somewhat similar experience. Our heroines set off on a gardening assignment, witness some intrigue, someone dies, you don't care who, it's not important, it's really not important, puzzle is solved, everybody has tea... Agatha Christie looks like Ian Rankin in comparison.

There are many shows that follow this same formula but rarely have I seen any quite so banal. Judging from it's rating on IMDB it would appear to be quite popular, a score of eight out of ten is more than respectable. Looking more closely however you realise that this is the result of just over 100 votes, and thus about as reliable as those beauty advertisements that tell you 83% of women noticed an improvement. Perhaps it's dullness is what has enabled it to survive this long. The chloroforming effect of watching an episode ensures plenty of viewers for whom the advertisements really will be a wake up call.

The juice of half a lemon

Cookery programs.Normally I'd say they rank alongside golf, horse racing, gymnastics and 'reality' television as programming to avoid. So why did I watch an entire hour of cooking programs on the UK Food channel recently?

Was it the food?

Was it the presentation?

Was it the interesting new recipes?

Or was it Nigella Lawson dressed in a silk nightgown whilst gently squeezing the juice from half a lemon?

No "high-fives" please, we're British

And another thing I find disturbing about volleyball players is their need to perpetually slap each other on the back and high-five each other at every opportunity. I was playing badminton last night and witness to a gratuitous display of affection on the volleyball court next to me. Unfortunately none of them looked like the lady in the picture.

At one point, in the middle of their game, somebody must have discovered the secret to harnessing fusion power as they suddenly began to circle each other, like Nike sponsored Morris dancers, "high-fiving" each other as they went. I'd have said something only I don't like to complain.

Forgive me for mixing my sports, but give me the Bjorn Borg approach any day. Yes, I know women prefer the McEnroe type but isn't it the silent ones you have to look out for? Admittedly after forty years I've yet to see this theory proven.